How Could You Do This To Me?
by Xxobsessive
Summary: Takahiro is dead. Misaki can't cope without his brother. Just when he thinks things will be okay again, his Usagi leaves him, and his world collapses again. A short fic rated M for dark themes. WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH! Don't like, don't read!
1. Prologue

**I got this idea and I knew I just had to write it! Very dark, but we all need a little tragedy sometimes.**

* * *

Prologue

Nii-chan, it hurts… It hurts so badly.

It hurt the day you died.

It hurt the day of your funeral.

It hurts today, almost 4 months later.

Nii-chan, do you remember that nightmare I had every night after mom and dad died? I watched them be impaled by pieces of car over and over again in my dreams. And at the end of the dream, I saw myself stabbing them with glass. Every night, several times in the night, I'd wake up screaming. You'd comfort me and remind me that it wasn't my fault. You'd tell me that my nightmares weren't real and couldn't hurt me. You promised you'd be there for me every time I woke up from my nightmares.

Nii-chan, where are you now when the nightmares won't go away?

They're different now… Now, every night since your death, I watch you walk into that souvenir shop. I follow you up and down the aisles as you look for the perfect gift for me. You finally find a wood carving of a bear holding three salmon. You buy all three they had. Just when you're about to leave, the man in the mask walks in. He pulls out a gun and you run up to stop him. He doesn't hesitate to shoot you. I see the blood pool around your chest. The man in the mask begins to reveal himself. Then I realize, the man in the mask is me.

Nii-chan, I'm sorry. I gave away all the wood carvings you bought for me. I couldn't stand to see them. They brought too much grief and guilt.

I killed you all.

I killed mom.

I killed dad.

I killed you, Nii-chan.

Will the pain ever end?

I almost didn't go to your funeral. It was too hard for me to even open my eyes that day. Your good friend, Usagi-san, finally dragged me there. I cried the whole time. I couldn't watch them bury you. I passed out cold in Usagi-san's arms and woke up in my bed.

I couldn't find the strength to get out of bed after that. I didn't go to school. I didn't go to work. I ended up getting fired from Marukawa. I dropped out of M university. I didn't cook Usagi-san meals anymore. I didn't do the laundry anymore. I became almost bedridden.

Nii-chan… I never even got to tell you about me and Usagi-san.

Usagi-san… I can't even stand to let him touch anymore. All of the grief and the pain is too much for me to feel anything else.

Nii-chan… I love you.

I loved you…


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Nii-chan… just when I think I can't take anymore, Usagi-san leaves me as well.

Why? Why would he leave me like this? What happened to us?

He's been gone for so long. How many days now? I haven't been able to keep track of the days for months. It feels like he's been gone for years.

I remember lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, tears streaming down my face. This is the usual routine for me anymore. It is also normal for Usagi-san to sit down or lie next to me. He'll comfort me by saying sweet words to me and hold me as I cry.

Per the routine, he walked into my room and sat next to me on the bed. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair even messier than usual. He looked at me for several minutes before he finally spoke.

"I have to leave for a bit, Misaki," he said. "I have to go to Marukawa and meet with Aikawa-san."

Aikawa-san… sweet, sweet Aikawa-san. She brought me so many gifts after Nii-chan's death. She was always so good to me and Usagi-san. I hadn't seen her recently. She probably got sick of my depression.

I looked closer at Usagi-san's face through my blurry vision. His eyes were tired. His face seemed to sag. In fact, his whole body seemed to be limp. Was he sleeping?

Of course he hadn't been sleeping. He stayed by my side, comforting me, whenever I was awake. He said that he worked while I was sleeping. If I had a nightmare, he dropped everything and ran to me. He wouldn't leave my side.

I was scared when he said he had to leave for a little bit. I didn't know how long he'd be gone. What if I had another nightmare? What if I couldn't stop crying long enough to take a breath? What if something happened to Usagi-san?

I must have started crying harder because Usagi-san lied down and wrapped me up in his big, strong arms. I hid my face in his feathery, silver hair. I breathed in his scent. I couldn't find the strength to lift my arms and hug him back.

"Misaki, I promise I won't be gone long," he whispered lovingly into my ear. "I wouldn't leave you if this wasn't absolutely necessary. I'll be back before you know it."

He pulled away slightly and looking into my eyes. He took his cold fingers and wiped away the tears from my cheeks. I flinched at his touch.

Why? Why do I flinch and pull away whenever he touches me anymore?

"Misaki…" It almost sounded like a whimper.

He bent back down to kiss me. I felt his lips on my own. They were warm and gentle against my cold, unmoving ones. I couldn't kiss him back.

Why? Why can't I kiss me or respond to him anymore?

It's not that I don't want to.

I want to kiss him.

I want to hold him.

I want to be intimate with him again.

He pulled away and I could see the pain in his eyes. I've only seen that look a few times before: when Nii-chan announced his engagement, when Nii-chan was going to take me to live with him again, and when Nii-chan was murdered. Each time, that look broke my heart.

I felt my heart crack even more than it already was. More tears began to fall.

Usagi-san didn't say another word. He got off the bed and left. I waited until I heard the front door click shut to start sobbing.

That was the last time I saw him, Nii-chan.

It makes me sick to think that we ended on such bad terms.

It makes me sick to think that I drove him away.

It makes me sick to realize how much pain I caused him.

I make myself sick.

Now here I am: days, weeks, months, later. All alone. Still grieving for all I have lost.

No… for all I've killed and driven away.

Usagi-san left me. He was tired of see me in pain. He was tired of spending all his time trying to make me happy. He was tired of being hurt by me. He was tired of me… I had become troublesome for Usagi-san…

Nii-chan, it hurts so bad…

The only thing I can think to do is sleep, but I know the nightmares will just wake me up. I'm tired of all the nightmares. I just want to sleep.

I carefully crawl out of bed and slowly meander to the bathroom. I have to lean against the walls so I don't fall over. I'm too weak from never moving. My back and my legs are killing me. My knees won't stop shaking.

I know Usagi-san keeps sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet. He got a bottle for me after Nii-chan died. I would stay up all night crying about how it was my fault that he died. Usagi-san knew I had to sleep, so he got a prescription for a high dose of sleeping pills. I took those for a few days. After that, I didn't need them. I slept all the time after that, when I wasn't troubled by the nightmares.

I finally stumble into the bathroom. The floor is so cold… I open the medicine cabinet and pull out the bottle of pills. My hands are shaking like crazy. It takes me a few tries to open the child-proof lid. When it finally opens, pills fly everywhere. I don't even care. I pick up a few and pop them in my mouth. They hurt going down. In fact, my whole throat hurts.

I stick the bottle of pills in my pocket and make my way downstairs. I hug the walls again and cling to the railing on the stairway. I finally make it to the kitchen and get myself a glass of water. My hands are still shaking and water spills everywhere. I drink the entire glass in one sitting, the water filling up my empty stomach.

I begin to make the long journey back upstairs to bed. I felt tired already. I wasn't sure if it was the sleeping pills, the stress of Usagi-san leaving and everything else, or the exhausting trips up and down the stairs. I crawl back into bed, thankful that I made it without falling. If I were to fall, I don't think I'd have the energy to get back up.

Nii-chan… I can't sleep.

I feel so tired but I can't fall asleep.

I'm scared of being alone.

I'm scared of the nightmares coming back.

I'm scared of Usagi-san never coming back.

I start to cry again and reach into my pocket. I need more pills. Just a few more will put me to sleep. I need to get away from all this, just for a little while.

I down a few more pills and set the bottle down on the stand beside me. I wipe away the tears again and pray for sleep to come. Maybe these pills will keep my nightmares away too. Maybe they'll keep me in such a deep sleep that I won't dream at all.

My eyelids finally droop and my brain shuts down. I finally go to sleep.

* * *

"_Usagi-san… I love you."_

_ Usagi-san looks shocked, but happy. We're in the ferris wheel where I first confessed my love to him. We're wearing the same clothes as that day. I get up and sit beside him, reassuring him that he never once forced me to do anything. He grabs my hand and doesn't say a word. His hand is warm, not cold like usual._

_ Suddenly, the scene fads and I'm standing in oblivion. Usagi-san stands before me, looking angrier than ever. His face is red and his arms are crossed. His whole body seems tense. The first thing I think is 'Who made you so mad, Usagi-san?'_

_ "I hate you," he says._

_ What? I look up at him._

_ "I hate you," he repeats. "You ruined my life. You have become a troublesome existence. Not just for me, but for Takahiro too. You should be ashamed of yourself."_

_ He turns his back on me and shatters into pieces. Then the pieces are blown away by the wind. The air is cold._

_ "USAGI-SAN!" I scream._

_ Where did he go?_

_ Why does he hate me?_

_ What did I do to him?_

_ Why? Why? Why?_

* * *

I wake up screaming. Tears are pouring from my eyes. My whole body is shaking violently as I sob.

Nii-chan… I made Usagi-san leave me.

I'd rather leave than be left...

What did I ever do to deserve this?

I spend hours crying. My tears never seem to dry up. I haven't cried this hard since the day Nii-chan died. Or have I spent more time crying now?

Sleep… I just want to sleep.

I quickly reach over and take a few more pills. I lie back down and sob some more. Soon, I feel drained. My eyelids feel heavy again. Somehow, I feel good. I stop sobbing and welcome the new, comforting feeling. The pills are dragging me back down to sleep.

I fall asleep, thinking about Usagi-san holding me tight and whispering my name in his usual husky tone.

"Misaki…"


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I'm sorry, Misaki…

I'm sorry for being so selfish.

I'm sorry for leaving you alone in your time of need.

I'm sorry for caring about my needs over yours.

You don't deserve me…

I lied to my lover. I told him I needed to go out for a few hours for work. In truth, I just needed to sleep. I was so tired.

Since Takahiro's death, Misaki has been a complete mess.

He never gets out of bed. He lost his job and dropped out of school completely. He never cooks or cleans. He barely even speaks. He cries constantly. He has nightmares every night and it's always the same.

I think, worst of all is the fact that he won't let me near him.

I just want to comfort him. I know losing his dear brother was very hard on him. I gave him time to grieve.

How long do you need, Misaki?

It's been four long months. It's been four months of crying. It's been four months of pain and feelings of guilt. It's been four months of the same nightmare several times a night.

I tried to intervene. I tried to get him to see a grief counselor. I tried to get to go to work and school. I tried to get him to cook with me so he could remember how much he loved to cook. I tried to comfort him.

So far, I haven't been able to do anything.

He always says that it was his fault Takahiro was murdered. His nightmare confirms his false guilt. He claimed it was his fault that his parents died in that car accident. So he picked up the burden of his brother's death as well.

But he won't listen when I tell him that he didn't do anything. He insists that Takahiro was in that souvenir shop only to buy him a present. He said he told his brother he had to find the perfect gift. He claimed that if he wouldn't have told him that, Takahiro would have never set foot in that shop.

I haven't been able to get close to him. Sometimes, he lets me hold him in my arms. He never hugs me back. I try to kiss him and he doesn't move. He lies there, lifeless. His lips don't move. His body doesn't respond. If I try to touch him, he starts crying and sobbing even harder.

Misaki, I know it's hard, but can't you try harder for me?

I got impatient. I was tired of trying to make him feel better. I had to do something for myself instead. What I wanted the most was to sleep. During the day, I comforted Misaki whenever he was awake. If he was asleep, I would work or try to sleep myself. During the night, I'd work or sleep while Misaki was sleeping. When he woke up from his nightmare, I'd drop everything or wake up and rush to his side. I feel like I haven't slept at all.

I knew Misaki wouldn't try to stop me if I said I had to go to work. He wasn't selfish enough to stop me. He wouldn't even question me.

I was right. In fact, he didn't say a word to me.

I felt horrible for leaving him like that, but I was so tired. I told myself it would just be a few hours of peaceful sleep and then I would go back to Misaki's side.

I went straight to a hotel and checked into a room. I set an alarm for 5 hours later and went straight to sleep. It was the best sleep I had gotten in so long. It was so peaceful and relaxing. I even dreamt that Misaki was better and Takahiro wasn't dead. We were having fun: all three of us together. And Takahiro knew about our relationship so Misaki wasn't afraid to let me hold him and kiss him.

But it was only a dream…

When my alarm rang 5 hours later, I was kind of sad to have to get up and leave, but I also knew that I needed to get back to my Misaki. Hopefully he won't question what took so long. I hope he won't be mad if he found out the truth.

I'm finally home, Misaki.

I walk inside my house and head straight upstairs. I don't hear anything so I assume that Misaki is either staring off into space or sleeping. I hope that he's sleeping. I don't want to hear him cry anymore. It's better that he sleeps, so he can get a break from the tears.

I walk into the bedroom and see my beautiful Misaki about to drift to sleep. Even during his depression, he's still cute as ever. His eyes are still as wide as the sky and his hair still soft and light. I so badly want to be able to touch him again.

"Usagi-san," he says as he stares at the ceiling. "I love you."

A smile spreads across my face. It feels good to hear him admit it. Having heard that, I feel like things might go back to normal.

Then, my eyes flicker to the empty bottle of sleeping pills on the nightstand next to him.

Empty…

He only took a few of them when I first got them.

My eyes open wide at the realization.

My heart immediately plummets into my stomach.

I feel my whole body tense up.

My breath catches in my chest.

He took the whole bottle.

I rush up to him as he starts to go unconscious. I pick him and cradle the boy in my arms. He's light. I'm not sure if it's from hardly eating or from being unconscious. His eyes look lifeless, but they're still open. I gently slap his face. No reaction. His eyes fall shut.

Misaki…

"MISAKI!"

I panic and rush to the bathroom. There I see a few other pills lying on the floor, on the vanity, and in the sink. I lie Misaki down on the rug and turn on the water in the tub. I hold my cupped hands underneath the faucet. Then I throw the cool water onto his face. He doesn't move, let alone flinch.

I kneel beside him and press my ear to his chest. His chest doesn't move and I can't feel his breath on my neck. I can't hear a heartbeat. I jolt up and grab his wrist to take his pulse. I can feel a very light beat against my fingertips. I immediately think that I can still save him!

I quickly grab my cell phone out of my pocket and call for an ambulance. I yell at them and tell them to hurry. When I pull the phone away from my face, I realize it's wet from the tears streaming down my face.

I immediately turn back to Misaki. All the color has drained from his face. I grab his wrist again. This time, I don't feel his pulse. My own heart is beating so fast. If only he could have some of the beats of my heart.

Misaki, all I can think about is saving you.

I start pumping on his chest to try to jar his heart back into rhythm. My hands and arms are shaking so badly. My vision is blurry from the tears. All I want is his heart to start beating again. I just want him to live.

I lean down and breathe into his mouth. His lips are already cold, but that might be from the water I splashed on him. I watch his chest rise and fall as I give him my breath. His lungs don't keep moving air when I pull away.

Keeping my composure as best as I can, I continue giving him chest compressions and mouth to mouth for 10 minutes. It feels like hours. I don't even stop when the paramedics get there. I keep going until they start doing CPR themselves and put the oxygen mask over his face to pump air into his lungs

"Quick!" I cry to one of the paramedics. "I think he overdosed on sleeping pills. He needs his stomach pumped!"

We all rush downstairs and into the back of the ambulance. I watch them rip his shirt in half and begin hooking a million wires up to him. I have to hold my breath.

Misaki… why?

I was only gone for a few hours.

How could you do this to me?

"Get back!" one of the paramedics shouts and they all step back. "Clear!"

I watch his lifeless body jump as they shock his heart.

Dear god… No…

I can't hold back my sobs anymore. I start to cry harder than I ever had before. Not my Misaki. This can't be happening to me. I never imagined anything like this happening. Why now? Why to me? Why to us?

My heart is breaking watching them try to revive him. I have to close my eyes for the rest of the ride to the hospital. I press my hands over my ears so I won't have to hear them or the electrical shocks they're giving him.

I feel so weak…

My head is spinning with all the memories of my Misaki: when we first met, when he cried for me, when I first kissed him, when we first made love, all the sweet things he did for me, when he got jealous of Aikawa-san and Isaka-san, when he didn't want to leave me when Takahiro came back to Tokyo, when he rejected my brother, and when he finally told me he loved me.

Misaki can't die.

He is my one and only.

I can't live without him!

I open my eyes when the ambulance comes to a stop. They have a tube in Misaki's mouth. They're still giving him chest compressions.

Why won't his heart beat?

Why won't your heart beat for me, Misaki?

They wheel him out of the ambulance and into the hospital. They lead me to the empty waiting room. I want to be near Misaki, but even if I made it to the emergency room I don't think I could stand to see anymore.

I sit and wait. I feel weak and tired. My whole body aches. My heart is still pumping furiously, but it feels like it's shattering into tiny pieces.

It feels like hours that I sit there, wondering if Misaki will live.

I wonder if I will ever get to hear him again.

I wonder if I will ever get to hold him again.

I wonder if I will ever get to feel his lips again.

I wonder if I will ever get to make love to him again.

Finally, I see a doctor walk up to me. I look up at him with teary eyes. His face is emotionless. I can't read it at all.

"Are you the man who brought in Takahashi Misaki?" he asks. His voice is steady.

I nod. "How is he?"

"I'm sorry, sir. We did everything we could, but he didn't make it."

I suddenly felt like my body didn't exist. It was just my soul, floating around in space. For a second, I couldn't feel anything. I was completely numb.

But it only lasted for a second.

Then I felt my heart plummet and my stomach churn. It felt like my blood stopped coursing through my veins. Tears welled up in my eyes again. My whole body began to shake.

He's dead…

No, he can't be dead. There was no way the world could be that cruel. Fate can't possibly take away the only thing I live for. Karma wouldn't kill both of my loves within the same time span like this.

"Yo-you're lying." My voice is shaky.

I can't see the doctor anymore through my tears. "I'm sorry, sir. We pumped his stomach, but it was too late. All the medicine had moved into his bloodstream already and made it to his heart. We tried to revive him, but the damage was too severe."

No. No no no no no no no.

I wasn't going to except this. No way in hell.

"Take me to him," I ask as I wipe my eyes.

"I wouldn't advise that, sir. If you wish to say goodbye it's best to wait until the funeral."

Funeral… No. There won't be another funeral.

Because Misaki is not dead.

"Take me to him!" I demanded.

The doctor turned and began walking. I follow him. My legs are wobbly, but I manage to keep up. I'm determined to see Misaki, alive.

When we finally reach the emergency room, he leads me to a corner where a sheet covers something lumpy on a bed. All the medical equipment by the bed isn't in use. The IV bag on the stand is still relatively full. The lumps under the blanket are very still. I can't see anything rising to indicate breathing.

The doctor stands next to the bed and grabs the top of the sheet. "Are you sure about this, sir?"

I nod. That can't be my Misaki under there. My Misaki is not dead.

The doctor pulls the sheet down.

There's a young man under the sheet.

He's pale and there's no color on his cheeks at all. His eyes are open! They're a dull, muted green color.

My eyes move down to his chest. There are bruises everywhere, most likely from repeated CPR. His chest doesn't move. His stomach is caved in.

He's completely lifeless.

I crumple to the floor in shock.

I was right. This isn't my Misaki.

The Misaki I knew is dead.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Misaki… Takahiro… it hurts so much.

Takahiro… it hurt when you told me you were getting married.

It hurt the day you died.

Misaki… it hurt to see you so broken after Takahiro died.

It hurt the day you killed yourself.

Why did you do it, Misaki? How could you do that to me? Was the pain really that bad? Did I do something wrong?

I tried to take care of you as best I could. I know I wasn't exactly helping to make you happy, but I tried. You were just too depressed to go on, even though you had me by your side, loving you.

Did I betray you that day when I left?

Did you find out that I didn't go to work but instead went out because of my selfishness?

I'm so sorry, Misaki…

I should have endured it. I should have just toughened up. I could have handled it.

But I was so tired. You know how I get when I'm extremely tired. I couldn't take care of you properly if I was that tired.

Forgive me, Misaki. Forgive me for being so selfish.

Is it even possible to live without someone you've been in love with for so long? Other people do it. It would have had to happen sooner or later as we got older. Of course, it would have been you that would have to live without me.

Could you have lived without me, Misaki?

I certainly can't live without you.

How many days has it been since your death? It feels like years. Aikawa-san keeps telling me it's only been a few days. That can't possibly be right, but I know it probably is. We haven't even had your funeral yet.

Funeral… how can I even make myself go to your funeral, Misaki? Aikawa-san will drag me there, that's how.

Aikawa-san has been so kind to me since you've been gone. She moved in, even though I didn't ask her and I refused to let her for a while. She says I can't function on my own just yet.

But I was just fine by myself for 10 years before I met you.

Misaki… you completely changed me.

And now you're gone… forever.

I was right when I told you I couldn't live without you. I can't do anything anymore. That's why Aikawa-san has been living with me for the past few years… I mean, days. I was never able to cook or clean, but now I can barely get out of bed.

I have become like you were when Takahiro died.

I can't even write anymore. The only damn thing I was ever good at – I can't even do it anymore. I can barely make myself get up to write down a single word or thought. When Aikawa-san sits me down in front of the computer, I can't seem to form a coherent sentence. Even the thoughts in my head are too jumbled to put onto paper.

Aikawa-san is at her wit's end with me already.

I've had it with myself too.

I'm even more tired than I was when I was taking care of you. I won't dare sleep. If I sleep, I dream of you. Waking up without you hurts the worst. It feels like my heart is collapsing inside my chest, barreling at light speed into my stomach and tearing through my body.

Sometimes I think having constant nightmares would be better than having these sweet dreams of you. They're mostly memories. I remember all the good times we shared together, like our trips, the cute things you said to me and did for me, each time we made love, and when you finally told me you loved me.

I swear I can still hear you say those sweet words to me, in your gentle, reassuring voice.

"It's okay, Usagi-san. I love you."

It rings in my ears and the tears start to flow from my eyes.

I've only cried a few times in my adult life. All those times involved you, Misaki. You make me lose my cool. I can't control myself. I didn't want anything to interfere with us or with you.

Now I am constantly crying. The tears never seem to dry up. My body heaves with each sob, but never tires. My throat is in constant pain, but I still keep crying.

I don't want to live this life anymore, Misaki.

Not without you.

* * *

I sit downstairs on the couch, a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. When I manage to get out of bed, all I do is sit on the couch, chain-smoking and drinking. The smoking has always helped my anxiety. The drinking makes everything hazy and I lose all sense of reality. It makes things bearable for a little while.

Aikawa-san comes out from the kitchen to clean the living room. She glares at me with hate in her eyes. Or maybe she's glaring at the two full ashtrays on the table. Or maybe my hands holding my vices.

"What?" I ask. Did I slur?

Her eyes soften as she sighs. "Sensei, it's only 10 A.M."

Is that all? I glance over to the window. The sun was high, but still exhibiting the light from a sunrise. I glance down at the watch on my wrist. It is only 10 A.M. Time doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

"What day is it?" I ask. I'm sure I slurred my words that time.

"It's Thursday. Tomorrow is the funeral." Her voice falters at the venomous word.

The funeral hasn't happened yet? So it has only been a few days.

Funeral… the word brings back memories of Takahiro's funeral and Misaki's own collapse. Now I'm the one falling to pieces and it's Misaki's body being buried. What cruel fate is this? That word is poisonous. Tears well up in my eyes until I can't see anything. I feel Aikawa-san's weight next to me on the couch. Both the bottle and the cigarette leave my hands. A pair of arms wrap around my neck.

"Sensei, I'm so sorry." Aikawa-san's voice is so gentle, much like Misaki's voice is – was. "He's gone, sensei. You have to move on. He'd want you to move on and be happy. Both Takahiro and Misaki-kun would want that."

Tears were streaming down my cheeks at an alarming rate. If they wanted me to be happy, why did Takahiro get married? Why did Takahiro keep trying to take Misaki away from me? Why did Misaki break down after Takahiro died? Why did Misaki kill himself? If they wanted me to be happy, why did they keep breaking my heart?

No… I can't think like that. They didn't know any better. They didn't mean it.

"I can't live without Misaki." My voice is breaking, just like my heart. "He knew that and yet he left me. I don't care how much pain he was in over losing his brother. He had me!"

My whole body is shaking as I sob. Aikawa-san doesn't let go of me as I cry my eyes out. I can't remember how many times I've done this to her now. It doesn't seem to faze her anymore. She's been with me 100 percent and I still break down in front of her. How has she not given up on me yet?

It feels like hours before the tears die down. Aikawa-san is still holding me. The close contact is comforting, but at the same time makes me yearn for my Misaki.

Aikawa-san's cell phone starts ringing and she lets go of me to answer it. I dry my eyes with the back of my hands as she talks. I get out another cigarette and light it. As I inhale the toxins, I feel my lungs brimming with life again from the much needed nicotine. My head feels full as I exhale.

"Right now?" Aikawa-san screeches into the phone. "But, Usami-sensei needs me here. I need more time with him. Tomorrow is the-" She turns to me and then turns back. "-the thing. I have to stay here for a few more days."

I hear the voice on the other end of the phone screaming. It sounds like Isaka-san. He was probably trying to get Aikawa-san back to work. She hasn't been to work since Misaki died. She's been too busy taking care of me.

"Go," I say, trying to keep my voice steady. "It's work. You need to go. Don't worry about me so much."

Her eyes were full of worry so I flash her a big smile as I stab out my cigarette. It hurts my face. I haven't smiled in so long. She smiles back and tells Isaka-san she'll be right in. She hugs me again. My smile disappears from the contact.

"I promise I won't be gone long, sensei," she whispers. She pulls away and looks right into my eyes. "We'll get through this together, especially tomorrow."

I smile at her again, even though the muscles in my face are aching. She gets up and leaves, reminding me to call her if I need anything.

I won't.

I'm finally alone.

I haven't been alone since I started tutoring Misaki a long time ago.

I can't believe how long it's been. I can't believe I was able to live with another human being. I can't believe I was able to love another person besides Takahiro.

But now that person who changed me is gone and is never coming back.

My body begins to act on its own. It gets up from the couch and slowly goes up the stairs. I can't even feel it moving. I can only see my surrounding change as it moves for me. My mind wanders to Misaki.

I'm holding him tightly, his blushing face buried in my chest. His small arms wrap around my waist too. I can feel his heart pounding against my chest. I wonder if he can feel mine too. I lift his head and lean down to kiss him. His lips are warm and he doesn't fight me back. He lets me devour him and even kisses me back. I can hear him whispering, "Usagi-san, I love you."

Suddenly, the memory fades and I'm looking at a gun in someone's hands.

They're my hands.

I'm standing in my room, holding a pistol. I begin to cry again.

"Misaki, I'm coming for you!" I scream.

Before I can think, I pull the gun up to my head and pull the trigger.

The world fades to a color darker than black.

Darker than death.

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**I'm sorry, dear readers. This is not a happy story. One more chapter after this though.**


	5. Epilogue

Epilogue

I am lost.

I don't know what to say.

I know what I _want_ to tell everyone, but I really can't without consequences.

Isaka-sensei warned me not to tell anyone about Usami-sensei's relationship with Misaki-kun. He said it would be detrimental to his popularity and the popularity of the company if the media knew he was gay or had a younger, male lover.

Why does that matter when both Sensei and Misaki-kun are already dead?

I felt a hand lightly grip my shoulder. I look back slightly to see Isaka-sensei behind me. His eyes are dull and bloodshot. I know he's been up for days dealing with Sensei's death. Not only was Sensei one of his prize-winning authors, but also one of his oldest friends.

"Are you ready, Aikawa-san?" he asks. His voice is lifeless and he barely looks me in the eye as he speaks.

All I can do is nod and stand up.

I'm not ready to face these people.

They all want to know the truth about what happened to Usami-sensei.

Isaka-sensei chose me to lead the press conference. He said it was because I have a certain way with words and I was closest to Usami-sensei. I don't think that's true. I was only an editor who was lucky enough to witness Sensei with his one true love.

I follow Isaka-sensei and the president and vice president of the company into the main hall of the hotel we reversed for the conference. I clutch the small notebook with a few scribbled notes in it close to my chest. We enter into the giant conference room and are greeted with a magnificent display of camera flashes. The room is packed with journalists, other staff members of Marukawa, and many other strangers.

Who would have thought so many people would be interested in Usami Akihiko?

I take my place at the podium on stage. Isaka-sensei and the presidents stand around me. I look out into the crowd. Everyone is on the edge of their seats. There are even a few cameras videotaping in the back of the room. I open up my tiny notebook and look at what I've written.

1.) Greet and thank the guests

2.) DON'T mention Misaki

3.) If asked, you DON'T know why he killed himself

4.) DON'T show them you're hiding something

I take a deep breath and plaster a fake smile on my face.

"Good afternoon and thank you all for coming. I am Aikawa Eri, Usami Akihiko's editor." I introduce Isaka-sensei and the presidents. They all bow to the crowd in respect. "We are here to clear up the rumors about Usami Akihiko."

Before I can continue, a reporter jumps up from his seat and waves his hand in the air. "Miss! Is it true that Usami-san is dead?"

This stunt fires off a chain reaction of reporters jumping out of their seats, throwing their hands in the air, and shouting questions.

"Did Usami-san move away?"

"Is he done writing novels forever?"

"Was it suicide?"

"Everyone please sit!" I screech into the microphone. My voice is shrill, like when I would yell at Sensei for being past his deadlines. When everyone is seated again, I continue. "Please hold your questions till the end of the conference." I clear my throat. "Some of the rumors you're hearing are true. Usami Akihiko is dead."

Everyone gasps then a dead silence fills the room.

Then the uproar starts again.

"Was it suicide?"

"Was there an accident?"

"Did he die of natural causes?"

I shout at them again. "Please everyone, let me explain!" I feel tired already, but I know I must continue. They must know the truth, at least some of it.

"Usami-sensei died two days ago in his home. Yes, it was suicide." Everyone gasps again, but I continue without pause. "I found him at his house, already dead. There was nothing I could do to save him. He shot himself in the head."

From the corner of my eye, I see Isaka-sensei flinch. I'm sure he wishes I would be a bit more reserved on the details. I look at my list again.

I'm not going to follow of it.

I'm going to do all the don't's.

All the reporters jump up again, asking the same question: "Why did he do it?"

"Usami-sensei had a lover." I hear Isaka-sensei call out my name, but all the shouting of the journalists drowns that out. "What I'm about to tell you all may shock you." I paused, thinking carefully of how to word these next few sentences. "Usami-sensei was gay," I blurt out.

I watch the reactions on everyone's faces. They're all shocked beyond belief. Isaka-sensei looks horrified.

There's no turning back now.

They all deserve to know the truth.

"Usami-sensei's lover was a younger male. His name was Takahashi Misaki and he was 22 years old." The crowd is roaring, but I talk over them. "I wish everyone could have seen those two the way I saw them. They were crazy for each other. It was pure romance and it was a damn shame they couldn't show their true feelings to anyone else."

The same reporter in the front row that started the whole mess jumped up again. "Where is this Takahashi?"

I look him dead in the eyes. "Dead."

Another chaotic uproar begins, but my vision turns blurry with tears. Isaka-sensei yells at everyone to sit down and be quiet while I wipe my eyes with some tissues I had in my pocket. I sniff and thank him before continuing with my big speech.

"Mourning is the most difficult thing for a person to go through. Grief makes even the person who knows all the words become mute. A loss makes the person who has everything in line falter. A death causes even the most religious person to question their own faith.

"But something bigger inside of us pushes us forward. We find the words to speak, get back on the path, and look back up to our God. We find our strength again."

Everyone is quiet and all eyes are glued on me. Some people are crying from the last part.

"Usami-sensei and Misaki-kun were not like other people. They could not find the courage to live without their loved ones. Misaki-kun lost his brother earlier this year. Grief turned him into a zombie. He lost all hope and couldn't do anything anymore. A week ago, he ingested too many pills and died."

I pause. This time I was expecting everyone to jump up and shout out questions. No one said a word. They all sat on the edge of their seats, waiting for me to continue.

"Misaki-kun, the love of Usami-sensei's life, died in his arms. He couldn't function without the boy. He blamed himself for his lover's death. He also became a zombie. He lost all words and could no longer write. It got so bad, that he took his own life as well."

I sigh. "Say whatever you want about Usami Akihiko. He didn't deserve what happened to him. Misaki-kun didn't deserve that pain either." I look up at the ceiling. "The pain is over now you guys. I hope you're happy together… up there." I look back out at the stunned crowd. "This conference is over."

I burst into tears as I run out of the room, far away from the chaos.

I run back to my office and lock the door. The tears don't stop for a long time. I can't help but sob incredibly loud.

It hurts so much, not just because they were my friends, but also because I know how much they needed each other.

Isaka-sensei knocks on the door. "Aikawa-san? Can I come in?"

I stop sniffling and wipe my eyes before I get up and open the door. Isaka-sensei looks extremely stressed, but not angry. I was sure he would be angry at me for doing all the things I wasn't supposed to.

He closes the door behind him. "What happened to Chibi-tan?" he asks sincerely.

I sit at my desk, exhausted. "He overdosed on sleeping pills a week ago. I think his brother's death really got to him. He hadn't been himself since his brother passed away. He wouldn't even get out of bed."

"But, Chibi-tan was usually so happy."

I nod. "His brother was his life, just as much as Sensei was. Sensei never left his side. He comforted Misaki-kun and tried to help him get back to normal."

Isaka-sensei smiled a little. "He probably never let that kid out of his sight."

I bite my lower lip. "He did. He left to get some sleep because Misaki-kun would constantly have nightmares that would keep both of them up. When he came back, he found Misaki-kun on the verge of dying. He tried to save him, but I think he was too far gone. He died in the hospital soon after."

"My god…"

I've never seen Isaka-sensei so concerned before. He looked hurt and disturbed by all the information I was telling him.

"Sensei blamed himself. He said he could have been there to stop Misaki-kun from killing himself. But I know that's not what happened."

"What do you mean?"

"Misaki-kun knew how much he meant to Sensei. And he was not at all selfish. He had to have known that killing himself would hurt Sensei so much. I believe it was an accidental overdose. He couldn't have had the strength to actually attempt suicide. He didn't have the courage to leave like that. He couldn't hurt his lover in that way."

Isaka-sensei's eyes were watering. Mine suddenly were too, just thinking about everything. I missed them both so much already. Why does mourning have to hurt people like that?

I wipe my eyes again. "I'm sorry, Isaka-sensei. Everyone needed to know the truth. I know things will be a little crazy around here now concerning Sensei, but it's what he would have wanted."

To my surprise, he nodded. "Yeah, it is what crazy Akihiko would have wanted."

A crazy idea begins to form in my head.

I suddenly know what else I need to do for Sensei and Misaki-kun.

"I'm going to write a book," I say. "I'm going to write the story of Usami-sensei and Misaki-kun. The world will finally know everything." I finally smile for the first time in a while. "Sensei would have loved it."

Isaka-sensei almost laughs. "That's brilliant, Aikawa-san. It will be a hit seller… as long as you can give it to us sooner than Akihiko ever gave us anything."

I do laugh. "You can count on that."

I turn to my computer as Isaka-sensei leaves.

I start to type, without really thinking.

"It all started with a boys-love novel."

FIN

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**A real Romeo and Juliet story, eh? :D I do love a good tragedy every once in a while.**

**If you liked this and want something with fluff and lemon, be sure to check out my other JR fic called Finally Realizing!**

**Thank you all!**


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